Bismillah.
i fell sick on my birthday this year and no one is around so i kinda felt low at that time - no birthday wishes from closest of ppl - i had a terrible headache starting few days before and i got three days of MC and altogether five days (plus the weekend) of sleeping, just laying doing nothing, twice visiting the clinic, medicines, turning off the data, not much reading, eating much less food and the drama went on until a week later whence i felt stronger and better. that pain was just at another level that i couldnt think huhu astaghfirullah. on top all that, mom called and i first got teary eyed and tears streamed down like an open dam. i felt weak and idk how to describe it. just got up for prayers and told me self that above all, i should be grateful still - esp. that i got no body pain, bruises and i could move my body and walk alhamdulillah. first day going to school after the long MC, the pain came by occasionally until a week later and i skipped few meetings and activities to let myself cool down a bit.
Alright, that's that.
Been saving some time for me to really sit down and write something for hitting 30. Alhamdulillah thank you Allah for every single day, every single blessings that is uncountable and forever will not.
Honestly, saying out loud that you are 30 felt different as compared to saying 20 years old something. There is a kind of validation and subconscious realization that you are at an age whereby many things are expected from you yourself and you are really an adult now and should be more mature for various things. People will take you more seriously and you are expected to deliver, better; because you are literally older.
I used to feel tensed over increasing age and not accomplishing many things, being at the same place and doing the same things..but that was years before. Being in a rat race will trap you inside and is no good. This is especially when we do not take time to reflect on the on-goings and just carry on with life.
One thing i will always remember from the book How To Stop Worrying and Start Living (Dale Carnegie) - take it one day at at a time. Plan, but have no anxiety.
Anxiety comes from uncertainties and because we just could not control the variable (uncertainties), let them be and instead - do the best we could but worry not on the result although sometimes we tend to but exercising our mind to not deviate or overthinking is a worthy practice.
Other writing i would love to quote here is Is it the world that's busy or my mind? (Things you could see only when you slow down - Haemin Sunim)
At 30 - surrounding with people bombarding you with frequent favourite questions that i am not listing them here today and the major reason why i took no heed, keeping a calm and cool composure is - i am trying to live my life day by day, grateful for a small thing and a big thing, following the flow, taking care of myself and not trying to compare if they have that and i dont, if they achieved that and im still not. im literally racing and competing with myself. im sorry if that sounds mundane, pretty boring and not challenging to you, but it works for me. Not for being in your own cocoon, but for being in your own time line. It clears your mind from unnecessary, unwanted vibes.
The ugly, toxic thought was smaller than a drop of blood, yet it poisoned the entire stream (Kristin Hannah)
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Oh, it looked like i wrote loads on emotional things which i didnt intend to :p
On a happier note, i am doing good, enjoying my job with the kids but still looking for a better one, i read books everyday because that's me just being myself, i bring them everywhere i go, imagining i'll stuck few books at the backseat pocket when i've got a car, i've got two parcels of recent book shopping on their way, reading is still my hobby, i've almost all social media platforms dedicated for my hobby haha and i write consistently on my bookish blog which i took much enjoyment in, i still loved my coffee bitter, always without sugar, liked it hot and cold, liked sipping my coffee slowly whilst having something to read..
Alhamdulillah. Terima kasih Ya Allah untuk 30 tahun ini.
Sometimes even grown women need their mother’s comfort so we can just take a break from having to be strong all the time.
Motherhood is being caught in the whirpool of other people’s needs - whom you loved.
Me and momma, a superwoman really - Pn. Nik Zailani bt Nik Yusoff :)
p/s i wrote this on 2nd September but i wanted it to be in July, so here you go
