Miserable. Gloomy. Low spirited. Dejected.
What i felt these days. Dislike my current position, where i’m staying with no progress, no added knowledge.
I feel like in honeymoon this two years. I badly wanted to do something to improve, additional value for myself.
When i see them in convocation just last week, i pitied myself for just laying down and not doing anything fruitful. I planned and Allah give me better planning I trust Him.
Earlier on, i surveyed for Arabic short course to improve my Arabic because some day i intend to pursue shariah postgraduate diploma for my islamic banking background. I kinda delayed it after i found one short course in Celpad but i dont go for it fast enough. Then, when i received the PhD offer letter, after careful consideration istikharah istisyarah, i decided to defer it first and pay rm50 penalty which i don’t pay yet. Actually, 98% in me wanted to just start the semester in last September but the remaining 2% comes from mom and my lecturer. Recently, found out a specific course LLM Islamic Banking & Finnace, a postgrad degree @ master. The course is for three semesters totalling around rm18K with rm5K each semester. This course really excites me since ive long searching for such course. For now, i dont have enough money unfortunately. Now, comes the thinking to quit my teaching. I’ve been there for two years and i dont feel the job is for me. It just dont sastisy me being there, very stagnant with unending work loads. Work load is fine, only that i feel i’m not progressing anywhere. Just repeating similar routines, quarrel & laughter everyday. I want to do something else. Sign up for a professional cert, advance studies in shariah & complete the highest degree in education level. When i go to school, i feel very little and bringing benefits to no one. Im also sick of people looking down and cannot stop asking when im changing the job. I could only smile. Thanks anyway 🙂
Such a jealous person, i envy my housemates for their struggles in Masters study. Juggling between classes and job. I completed mine two years back, still i envy them and i had the feeling i’m useless most of the time i saw them burning the midnight oil to study 😔 I want to get engaged in piles of books and reading materials; miss the moments.
This doesnt include the fact many of my friends circle are married. I used to have frequent chats and small talks with them who are wives now and it looks like i lost many friends through marriage. Sad truth. Maybe i should get married first and then i could join them or maybe we’ll go our separate ways. I understood a wife has loads of house chores to do, friendship may become something far away. Especially, a wife has a husband to pour all the stories and chit chats and everything under the sun. Maybe, i’ll be there someday too and i’ll understand much better 🙂
Ya Allah show me the way, i’m such a weak khalifah i need Your help.
Astaghfirullahalazim.
